Letter to My Children

Dear Kids,

“Have I told you lately that I love you?”

With two of you in your twenties and the rest of you busy teens, we find our lives going all kinds of ways, and we all get “busy.”  I am busy.

But as I walked through our woods with Daddy today, I looked at your abandoned tree fort and listened to the quiet, I felt dipped in sadness and rolled in regret.

I am so glad you are all healthy and growing up to be fine men and women, but part of me wishes I could start all over again, knowing what I know now.  (Wouldn’t that be something!)

I did a lot of things right.  I have parented deliberately in many areas.  I’m not sorry I took the time to home educate you, such as it was.  I’m glad that I stayed home to be the one to care for you when you were young.  I still believe strongly in the faith and values that we have tried to pass on to you.

But….I have some regrets.  I have not always been the patient, loving mama that I would like to have shown you.  Sometimes I disciplined harshly (do we even call that discipline?) Other times, I was distracted and didn’t pay attention.  Sometimes I let desperate fear rule my decisions. That is a mistake. We have a few ugly memories to go with the happy.

But as I think about it, I take some comfort in my new “favorite” segment of scripture.

Romans 5:1-6 has quite a bit to say about suffering.  (Although I hate to sometimes have been the cause of yours.)

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless,Christ died for the ungodly.”

So, slow down and read it, again….

Justified through faith, peace with God. We all want peace.  I’ve been experiencing some anxiety lately, and have found myself praying those gasping prayers to Jesus to bring me through.  That is faith.  We think it is something big and amazing that we come up with.  Nope.  It’s calling out to God, because you think it is worth the trouble to ask HIM.

Through Jesus, we have grace.  I have grace gifted to me.  Grace that I don’t deserve, because I am a “needy weanie,” and I have failed miserably at times.

What’s all this about glory? Glory belongs to God, not to me.  And when I suffer difficulty, sadness, hurt, it is not wasted.  I don’t need to wallow in shame.  Because as the Lord brings me through, carries me, I will find myself moving forward to a place of better character (Oh, how I feel the need of that.) Now that is something worth glorious celebration.

Somehow, character produces hope. When my life has been refined by this process, I come full circle to a hope that God is faithful and won’t leave me stuck where I am.

The shame that I sometimes feel in my parenting failures (and each of you could tell stories), can be washed away and replaced by Heaven’s gift of love, filling up the sad, empty spots in my heart.  When my cup is empty (and we all have cups that need to be filled) the Holy Spirit is in charge of my refill.

Apart from Christ, we are powerless to be filled up.  There are temporary wonders and precious people, but they will not be enough. I have not been enough, and I’m sorry for that.  But guess what?  Even if I had been a better parent, it still would not be all that you need. Does that sound like an excuse?  It isn’t.  I know I’m responsible for you in many ways.  God’s grace doesn’t mean I am not to be a good parent.

I do love you very much.  My energies are focused on your care, feeding, encouragement, and guidance.  But…your cup will be empty in ways that I cannot fill, or fail to fill.  People will be amazing, wonderful friends, but they will disappoint you.  As much as I regret it, I also have disappointed you, though I think I possibly love you more than anyone else on the planet. So, bring your dry cup to Jesus.  He fills our empty hearts.

Much love,

Mommy