Hope?

I’ve experienced a somewhat forgotten feeling the past few days…..a whiff of hope. Part of me doesn’t dare to think that I might get to beat the diagnosis. And another part says, “You feel so good, April. Surely this is just a difficult dream and you’ll wake up soon.”

I spoke to Rick about it. “Do I dare hope? So many people are praying for God to heal me. I’m hearing wonderful stories of people that know people who beat stage four cancer. God could do this….”

I held hope gingerly in my fingers, turning it over and over, wondering. Should I trust it? When we first heard that colon cancer was 90% beatable, hope surged up….but then the liver news. Not so great.

As I read my on-line Bible plan, I landed in the Psalms.

There it was:

²⁰ We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.  Psalm 33

That word, HOPE. Where is my hope?

In medicine? I am certainly thankful for it, and amazed at what we know at this time in history, but even by their own testimony, only a few will live long. It sure is a blessing right now.  There is so much not known, by my medical team, by me… With a 6% survival rate by year five, it is uncertain. Much of me is at rest about what lies ahead, although I don’t look too far down that road, knowing that God works in the present, giving me what I need for right now. It is a wisdom born of necessity. One-day-at-a-time. Trusting and following. For today, I feel pretty good, almost like the old me. I can shop on my own, with some vigor. I sleep well. I don’t cough anymore. I can eat a FULL meal. I even cleaned the attic. So wonderful!

In alternative cures? I’ve heard some that make me chuckle at bit. Some that are scary. Some that I try. Mom makes home-brewed kombucha, and I drink it down morning and night with my Miralax. Rick told me Miralax is basically drinking plastic…..but, ahem, it works. On other fronts, I like fermented foods like sauerkraut, and though they are not the mainstay of my diet, I feel a bit earthy and wise when I eat them. I prefer my coffee from the top end, rather than as an enema, but I’m sure my cozy morning mug does some good, right? (Don’t feel obligated to comment on that.)

In positive thinking? I’m all for that, and I believe that choosing joy is a great idea, but ultimately, I cannot save myself. As much as I would like, I cannot solely think myself out of cancer and on to healing.

In my own health and strength? I feel an advantage in that I was blessed with plenty of vim and vigor. The only thing wrong with me is…..colon cancer, traveled to the liver. Sometimes our own stamina is insufficient. The vulnerability one experiences when natural hardiness is assaulted can be unsettling. It is not enough.

When it comes down to it, I am at the mercy of the Lord. What I know is that His grace is sufficient for each day. I’m living there. My HOPE is in Him, not in getting the outcome I desire. My HOPE is that He will carry me on whatever path I must travel. My HOPE is that when I reach Heaven’s gates, sooner or later, Jesus will welcome me in, calling me faithful, because He is faithful. My HOPE is that my sins and failings are forgiven, because I’ve asked, and Christ is generous with His grace. My HOPE is that He will care for any I leave behind. And if He chooses, my HOPE is that I will be healed.

It’s so good to know that I don’t have to worry about embarrassing God. Whatever He allows, and whatever He does….I know that I can trust that He will do what is right. “I will proclaim the name of the LORD. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He.” Deut. 32:3, 4