Times Up!

by mtnorwaymommy

In the past month, two people I know of have passed away due to the same disease I deal with. Two normal men, gone. It is a sobering thought and makes me take a few deep breaths. They made different medical decisions than I have, but I am still reminded that no matter what amazing science I experience, unless the God of miracles intervenes on the physical level, my time will be done soon.

Before this disease, my horizons were long and laden with happy visions of the future. If I didn’t get something done, that was okay. There was always tomorrow, or next year, or retirement season, or….  But now I am reminded that life’s length is uncertain for all of us, even when we think we might know better.

Life has some extra difficulties right now. In recent years I would homilize, “This too shall pass.” But now, with time short, I hear the rush of the sand through the hour glass and its whisper of, “Time’s up.” Instead of waiting for things in life to get better, I realize this may be where I am when I close up the shop doors. No more long horizons. No more “someday we’ll go to New Mexico and drive to Alaska.” No more reality of little Boneski, Smith, Itzhakov, and Lucas babies bouncing around my worn table and screeching through the shaggy fields around my big grandma house. The child-sized porch chairs sit empty on my landing, and even their rocking murmurs, “Time’s up.”

Most of the time I can ride easily on the sinking sand, but lately there are days where I battle not cancer, but grief. I am entering old age early, as I reflect and process, as I prepare for a journey I didn’t think I would take for 40 more years, as I deal with a once-super-healthy body that has increasing aches, quirky sprouts of gray hair, and arthritic hands. Every new pain is suspect. Even too many burps make me wonder if I’m declining. It’s an eye opener. But of course, I am. Most folks take decades to go from 60 to 0. I have nearly done it in a year-and-a-half.

So……  If you know me, you know I talk wisdom to myself when I am discouraged. I refuse to stay stuck in worry and weeping. God made us human beings with great capacity to overcome. I am so grateful for that. He also has given us the opportunity to make connections and experience the loving support of a host of precious people, like our own ministering angels. Furthermore, He blesses us with rich encouragement in His word. Finally, I am NOT out of sand, and am cherishing every day that remains.

Perspective adjusts, when we face serious trouble, no matter the age. I’m reading a fascinating book called Being Mortal. While reading this morning, I came across a paragraph that summed it up so well, “As our time winds down, we all seek comfort in simple pleasures–companionship, everyday routines, the taste of good food, the warmth of sunlight on our faces. We become less interested in the rewards of achieving and accumulating, and more interested in the rewards of simply being. Yet while we may feel less ambitious, we also become concerned for our legacy. And we have a deep need to identify purposes outside ourselves that make living feel meaningful and worthwhile.”

For me, the priorities have been relationships with my people and with God. This vision focuses to crystal clear. As I find myself in this valley, I find that I do not walk alone. The blessing of relationships nurtured, returns to me ten-fold. The comfort of God is evident daily.

The word of the Lord in Isaiah 41:10 fills me with peace. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” He has given me the comfort of being carried, when I cannot carry myself.