Hate the Stink, Love the Stinker

I need mercy.  How about you?

So many times in my life I’ve overstepped my boundaries.  I’ve said something terrible, that I couldn’t retrieve, or sometimes, just something stupid or unkind.

Like the time I blurted out, “So, that would make you a late bloomer…” Yikes! Could I be more insensitive? (Probably.) That required a phone call, with a BIG, “I’m sorry.  That didn’t come out the way I meant it too…”

Or the time I carried on about someone’s tire tracks on my lawn.  Angrily, I might add, and in their hearing.  Yet another penitent phone call. You’d think I liked the taste of crow, but I don’t.  Not fried, not boiled, not stirfried with baby corn.  Yet, I continue to have to retract my words and ask for forgiveness.

Am I alone here?  I don’t think so.

I’ve been selfish, choosing me over someone else.

I’ve been impatient and irritable.  I have a picture of Rick and Katie in Eastern Washington.  Katie must’ve been two.  Cute, squeezeable, happy little two-year-old.  She was making goofy faces for the camera, and I wanted a “nice” picture. I didn’t say it very nicely, and it wasn’t even necessary.  But I got a serious picture allright.  She looks like her mommy just smacked her.  That picture still makes me sad.

Thankfully, my kids forgive me.  And they have so many things to choose from when it comes to having mercy on their mom.  Thank you, Katie, Rachel, Anna, Richard, and Samuel, for loving the stinker in me. Thank you, Rick, for patiently forgiving me when I stink.

It encourages my heart that the people who know me best, love me most.  It gives me hope that a perfect Heavenly Father will indeed wipe away the stinky things I do, when I ask Him.  I need that kind of merciful love.

Jesus, our best-Christmas-gift ever, is full of compassion to people who really need it (evidently, this would include anyone who is honest about their life.) He gives grace, instead of condemnation.  He provides positive direction, instead of recrimination.  And He paid for sin, so that we could wake up each day with a clean start.  Forgiven!

When I think of how Jesus approached people, I often think of the story of the woman caught in adultery. Here it is.  Take a few seconds to read it, so we can all be on the same page.

John 8:3-11 (NIV)

³ The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group ⁴ and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” ⁶ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. ⁷ When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

⁹ At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. ¹⁰ Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

¹¹ “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Here was a woman who was caught, uhm, with her pants down… And Jesus has every right to stand there with his arms crossed and call her some pretty ugly names.  Instead, He reminds the religious leaders that they are sinners, too.  They move on, but Jesus stays until He and the woman can have a private conversation.  Then He pours in the healing of forgiveness, with a clear call to something better.

He doesn’t say that she didn’t sin, but He gives her the clear hope that she can leave the stink of adultery behind, and get on with a fresh start.  A fresh day.

Jesus shows us grace and truth, perfectly housed in the same person.  I’m so thankful for a God who knows me the very best, but loves me the most.

I am humbled by Jesus, who hates the stink that I sometimes wallow in, but loves me, the stinker, with a faithful, perfect love.

Afterall, it’s what I need; it’s what you need.

Parenting Pathway Particulars? Plenty Published!

I stopped reading parenting books.

Nope, they weren’t all bad, but after awhile, and following many experiments, with some wisdom mixed in, I’d just had enough.  My mommy mind was maxed.

To spank, or not to spank?  A little tap? Until they say, “Uncle?” Hand? With a rubber hose (seriously suggested by one parent.) What’s a rod? Does a broken wooden spoon constitute abuse, or poorly made in China manufacturing? What about when you chase them down the hall and drag them out from under the bed?  Uhm, pause. If things are getting out of hand, time to consider other options.

Time outs? How long?  One minute per year?  Longer? What about those children that find it therapeutic?  Is that constructive?

Rewards? To candy or not to candy?  Stickers? (So they can get in trouble for pasting them on the wall?) Chore store? (Doesn’t that feed materialism? But….)

To affirm? “Oh, honey!  I like how you didn’t bite Barney this time we visited….”

To let the child express himself? I sometimes wished for maybe a little duct tape. “Put your hand over your mouth until I have finished talking to you!”

Do they need a meal? A nap?  Feel neglected?  Where is this behavior coming from?  Now I’m turning in to Oprah…

On and on the list goes.  With my youngest being almost 14 now, let me just say, “Enough!”  I’ve tried them all, and the great experiment is over. Now I’m facing teenhood issues and those that go with young people entering their twenties.  Where are the books for that?  Well I can say this, I’m not going to write one until I’m about 80.

Let me boil it all down to one “piece of advice.”  It’s one that I sometimes follow and one that I often mess up at, but it’s the best I’ve heard.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12

Oh, is that all? Sounds a bit impossible.  And without the daily grace of God, it is.

I’d rather get angry and sarcastic when sassed.  I find it easier to chastise and criticize.  It comes naturally to use “punitive measures.” I don’t know if I can use discipline in a perfectly balanced fashion.

So, here’s what I know.  God’s Word IS perfect and has incredible wisdom for me.  Sometimes my approach to relationships with my kids will not be “fun.”  I will be called a “bad parent” or “mean.”

There are times when standing firm, even with grace,  won’t “feel” right.

Joyce Meyer, spiritual maven, says, “We have to learn how to live beyond our feelings and do what’s right even when we feel wrong.”  In a feel-good world where our emotional thermometer advises all of our decisions, emotions can be a poor guide for parenting and relationships in general.

So, sometimes it’s a rod of correction (now metaphorical) or a rebuke to show my love.  Sometimes it’s a word of wisdom or encouragement.  All this seasoned with the reminder to treat my people the way I want to be treated.  And how does that fit?  If my friends only speak words of encouragement to me, and never challenge me or ask me the difficult questions, will I grow?  I want to grow. Really… I do.  “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6)

There are many tools to use in parenting, but a formula is not the solution.  Children are different, and then they change.  Situations vary.  Creativity is a gift from God, so you may find unorthodox answers helpful.  But there is no substitute for crying out to our Heavenly Father for wisdom.  James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Don’t wring your hands, fold them. God waits to be asked. I was stunned by this verse recently, as I usually dump wisdom on my kids, whether they ask for it or not. But then He PROMISES to give generously. I love that!

The next piece reminded me to pattern myself after God’s perfect input, “without finding fault.”  Ouchie.  I shovel out the wisdom, but easily stir in a nice dose of  “you should have,” or some other reproach.

So, guess what, parenting young adults requires the same basic principles that I needed as a younger mama.  Love, respect, wisdom, humility, compassion, grace, firmness. All mixed in with loving enough to let them fall as they learn to walk. That’s probably the hardest part for me.

Take heart, dear parents.  You don’t have to be a perfect mommy or daddy to be a good parent.  You won’t be perfect (learn to ask for forgiveness–from God and the kids), but as you daily seek the wisdom of the Lord, you will grow, and so will your blessed kids.  And blessed they are.

Yes, really.