Help!

“Let me know if you need help!” So often I hear this, as we all do when we are in a troubling situation or not feeling well. It is a sincere wish by those near us to find a meaningful way to be a support. Folks just aren’t always sure what “help” might look like. Here, I’ll share some of the sweetest and most practical ways friends and family and strangers have blessed my journey through chronic illness. I asked two friends who have considerable experience with this to share some of their insights as well. See what fits “you” and those in your life. There’s always a way to serve those we care about. Sometimes, it just takes a little planning, thought, and some of our resources.

An Understanding Heart

Romans 12 reminds us to,”Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Essentially, be there, empathizing, listening, celebrating, sorrowing. This is a good place to start. Most of us (including me) want to fix the problem, to figure out how to make trouble go away, to discern what caused pain so it can be avoided, by all of us. This has value. I believe it has been so downplayed in current culture that we feel awkward or afraid to share practical wisdom in the lives of those we love. At the same time, it is sooo important to let those we care about be honest about where they are. To just listen, nod, smile, frown, cry and connect with them.

Research (somewhere) tells us that listening is a great healer. This is something many of us struggle with. Melanie, a friend who has endured years of chronic illness, has this to say, “I believe caring for a chronic ill friend is very difficult for people. It means that they must face the reality that really horrible things happen in life. Most of us want to believe we can do something to avoid it, something to solve it or that we can turn it into something really positive if we just try hard enough.”

Don’t feel like by listening you have to solve the problem. Avoid getting out the advice shovel, instead give the gift of an understanding heart. Melanie shares more wisdom,”I would encourage everyone to arm themselves with a short list of good listening questions. Come into a conversation with a suffering person ready to listen – not tell.”

Awhile back, a friend had gone through the loss of a precious child. I so wanted to encourage her, but in my awkwardness, I expected her to tell me what she needed. She is a wise woman, and even in her sorrow, she instructed me, “Don’t ask me, just do. When you bring my a glass of ice water, without asking, you comfort me.” Or at least, that was the lesson I took away. You do the thinking. Sometimes people can be specific about what will help them, but often it can just feel like more work for them when they are already tired. Make suggestions. Be creative. Think about what you would like in their situation. It doesn’t have to be the perfect comfort, but even offering it will be a source of relief and care. Reach out. Stretch yourself. More from sweet Melanie on how to serve, “However, if you offer something, don’t make it about you. If it doesn’t work for the ill person, don’t take that personally. Many have walked away and never offered help again because they didn’t understand accepting their offer would have made me sicker. I am left between taking care of myself, or taking care of you. That’s a hard place to leave someone who is struggling with severe health issues.”

As you process with someone you care for, work hard to respect their choices. They may have a much different approach to suffering or illness than you do. Your kindness is not wasted, but your strong repeated advice can become an unintended burden. There are so many ways to approach medical choices. The array of health supplements can be overwhelming. Share cautiously, and with gentleness, hands open. If they don’t follow your loving advice, give them space, and continue to support them as they journey.

When someone I care for is in trouble, I often close our time of sharing with saying a prayer for them. Taking their hand, we bring the challenge to God and lift it to Him, leaving it in His Hands. These things are too heavy to bear alone, and God has power to guide us and provide solutions that we may not even have considered. Beware of making your prayer a long list of preaching what you think is best for your friend. Pray just as you would listen, with an open heart of love.

My on-line chemo angel, Marnie, took the time to share with me when I asked her what helps on her journey. She wrote, “What I like is to hear people are thinking of me, keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. Some have sent little charms. I take them all with me in my shirt pocket for chemo. My catholic friends know I’m not catholic but the best gifts I’ve received from the is the medallion for the patron saint of cancer and a homemade rosary. I have one friend that lives close by. We get together to commiserate about life in general about once a month.” Marnie, herself, has been a great encouragement and a guide to me through this process.

 

Practical Ways to Serve

You can take great joy in blessing others! There are many creative ways to serve with the gifts and interests that God has given you. Here are just a few ways people have comforted me.

Give care packages of comforting treats — jammies, soft blankets, yarn, slippers, books, tea, honey, journals, gift cards, lotion, lip balm, crafts, flowers, chocolate….you get the idea. Make dinner and drop it by. My sweet Katie formed a meal train to lift the load for a season. I have a lovely friend who brings me homemade bread and soup every week. Perfect when I need an easy meal. My son, Samuel, makes lovely fish tacos for all of us, with fresh salsa and all the trimmings. My Mom and her husband Greg make Kombucha for me every week. Not only does it provide probiotics, my nature friends are happy I am doing something on the alternative treatment list.

Melanie shares from her experience,”Let a suffering person know you remember them, you think of them, you pray for them. Whether that be in little reminders dropped at the door, a card in the mail or a text… keep ‘em coming!!! As my illness stretched into years, fewer and fewer people let me know I wasn’t forgotten… until one day, I found that I believed I had been forgotten! And don’t be offended or give up because you don’t hear back. Don’t make it about you. Your notes mean the world to someone working to just survive moment by moment.”

If there is financial need, you might include cash or gift cards with a kind note. This can be humbling for your ill friend, but is often a great blessing at the same time. Be sensitive and unobtrusive. One dear lady brings me beautiful bouquets that brighten our home and make me feel thoroughly pampered. Some may offer to run errands or to transport to treatment, staying to visit, if appropriate. Sitting and laughing with a friend, while my body receives chemo, makes the time pass quickly and shifts the focus. I forget that Compass Oncology is for cancer patients as we munch white cheddar popcorn and share our lives.

One tidy friend offered to clean my bathroom. Now, we have the kind of relationship that can handle this, so use your own judgement, but when someone is ill, often the ordinary chores go undone, as they just try to maintain the bare-bones basics. When my lovely Anna comes to visit, dirty dishes disappear and the laundry folds itself. Relief! Ask, “Can I come vacuum for you? Can I clean your fridge? How about I take out your recyclables? Light bulb needs changed — on it! Library books need returned — can do! Yes, I’ll drop your mail at the post office.”

It is important to all of us to feel necessary. I learn this from Melanie,”Let your friend know how they have impacted your life. Illness can be a helpless feeling of insignificance. But you care about them for a reason. Let them know why and what you remember about how they touched your life. Do it over and over.”

Physical touch can be a real need. Hugs are a staple. I am always a little surprised when a friend kisses me, but it has a deep impact. I sense their great care for my well-being. My sister will give me a hand massage. My strong daughter Rachel rubs my back. Touch is powerful and healing. Even sitting near can be a solace. My small group leader gifted me with a massage gift certificate. Wonderful!

I wanted a comfort kitty. What a got was a quirky, silly farm cat that brings me delight and naps with me. Sometimes I have to make her, but then she settles in. She sips water every morning from a stream in the faucet and guards my shower time with persistent vigilance. She follows me around like a little dog and melts in front of the wood stove, a sweet-smelling little animal. Best of all, she makes me chuckle everyday. My friend Jill found her for me, so she was free (unless you count all the gear we needed to be good cat owners.) Lily is practical love, expressed. And kind son Richard expresses care by scooping her box for me when I ask him. Load lifted!

Remember to support the whole family. Illness or trouble affects everyone close to your friend.  She is deeply concerned for her people. Supporting loved ones is support. Check in with the kids. Chat with the spouse, especially about everyday things. It doesn’t all need to be about the difficulties. Being a kind friend means much to the whole family unit.

Finally, let your friend do things on his or her own. Support them in continuing healthy, doable activities. This helps them feel “normal” and capable. Let them serve you. Give them room to decide what their limits are. That is a crucial part of self-respect and in a “do unto others as you would have them do for you” attitude, sometimes it means giving them freedom to decide what they can and can’t do.

Comforting Communication

Words are so important. Scripture gives great guidance on this. Because of who He is, God calls us to unity, to care for one another, to sustain each other in this challenging life. Jesus was the greatest example of giving and serving those He loved, paying the bill for our sin, giving up His own life for ours. Part of the result of that sacrifice is that we now have the privilege of loving and serving each other.

“For God has not appointed us to suffer wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him. Therefore encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing.” (1 Thess. 5:9-11)

As you visit with your troubled friend, talk not only about the trouble, but about the “normal” stuff that made you friends to begin with.  Share your life experiences. Laugh together. Initiate visits, at whatever calendar load works for your person. Sometimes visits need to be shorter, due to weariness. Other times, you’ll have to wait a bit, as their calendar may be full. Offer with an open hand. Each situation is unique.

As time passes, the feelings of isolation can grow. Melanie shares, “Isolation is a really difficult aspect of illness. All texts, notes and conversations don’t have to be about me and my illness. If I’m stuck at home or hospital, I feel left out if I don’t have people keeping me up to date on things other than me – it’s not gossip… it’s just things I would hear about or know if I was out and about. At the same time, don’t be afraid to ask hard questions about the suffering your friend is experiencing. Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. That too is isolating.”

I feel Melanie has some good counsel on being sensitive about how long to stay for a visit, “As you come along side someone who is suffering, be ever vigilant of signs that they need the conversation to come to an end. I have one friend who visited me every 3-4 months. She taught herself to constantly search my face, and listen to the tone and sound of my voice, and watch the posture of my body, to recognize, often even before I did myself, that I was wearing out and it was time to end the visit. She would stop and say, you are getting tired. Let’s pray. She would pray for me, and then stand up and leave. I hated it… and I loved it! I hated having to keep visits so short, but I loved that I could give her permission to come anytime because I knew she would be sensitive to how I felt that day, and how I held up during our visit.”

Marnie had some great things to say about laughter, “I have found that the best days are the days I get in lots of laughter. I want my friends to laugh with me. Good belly laughs. From the soul. No pity laughs. That doesn’t fly with me. Laughter is the best medicine.”

Send caring cards, Messenger notes, Facebook comments, happy texts, not always expecting a response. “Thinking of you today.” “Praying things go well.” “Have a good day.” “Can I drop by and bring you coffee?” Make an old fashioned call, leaving a cheerful message, or if they answer, asking if it is a good time to chat. Keep it short, if needed. All these say, “I care about you, and even in my own busy, full, crazy life, I’m taking a moment for you.”

I like how Marnie says it, “The little words of encouragement. One of my high school classmates…says, “Cowgirl up”. Don’t tap my hand and say there, there it’ll be all right. No. Some days suck and I want to cry. Those are the days I tell myself to cowgirl up.”

A wise friend, who knows that words are my love language, set up a Facebook support page. I am so grateful to her. There I bask in kind encouragement daily. It has been an important part of my support network. We all need to be heard and to hear that we are remembered. Social media can be a lovely tool to keep us moving forward and connecting with loving people. I can communicate quickly, and the feedback feels like those warm hugs I mentioned earlier.

In Romans 12 we hear what God has already written on our hearts, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.”

As you love the people in your life, a sweetness grows in you. Joy increases. You do God’s work. What you’ll find is that every sacrifice of time, money, and energy, given with a cheerful heart, results in even more joy and blessing in your own life. This is our calling. May you make your world a brighter place, while caring for those in need.

Thank you to each of you who have helped me in more ways than I could have imagined.

Bless you.