My “Sad” Box

This morning, as I drove, I took out my Sad Box. There were tears. I may have wailed a bit.  I was filled with sadness for a few minutes. It isn’t a box I like to look at often, but sometimes I need to sort through it and recognize that part of being human is experiencing sorrow.

I guess I was thinking about those grandbabies again. There is nothing quite like holding a new little person, and to have it be partly MY little person, well, that’s pretty amazing. And how wonderful my grown kids are, how sweet our relationships have become. They bring so much joy and time spent with them is, well, a little bit of Heaven. Being there for them as they transition through the decades was a role I anticipated. Being Grandma April to their new arrivals is something I eagerly awaited. What a great season of life!  But I may miss it.

Thinking of leaving just feels mean. I think of Rick, left alone, and I feel sad. We are close companions. This will be hard for him. I know, because I see him grieving already. And my kids grieve too, all in their own way, some quietly and some with more demonstration. Then there is my mom. She planned on me burying her, not the other way around.

So, this morning, for those five minutes, I acknowledged to God that I felt a little bit robbed. I told Him that I was so sad, and I looked, for maybe 10 seconds, at the part of the Sad Box where I don’t allow myself to go…the regret corner. I could’ve gone for my colonoscopy four years ago. MAYBE, this all could have been prevented. If only…..

Then I remembered the wise counsel that I received from  a “chemo buddy.” She is a year and a half ahead of me on the same bumpy cancer trail and messages me often to help me find my way on this new journey. Often, she blesses me with words of comfort, good cheer, and practical guidance. I feel like she must really be a guardian angel. Her rule is two minutes of self pity a day, and then time to get out of the Sad Box.

So, I quietly finished my chat with God, and folded up the spirit of heaviness, placing it gently in my box. Then I looked around for my favorite outfit, the “garment of praise.” I found it in my Thankfulness Box. Isaiah 61:3 encourages me that Jesus came to “console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…..that He may be glorified.” When I focus on being thankful, celebrating the blessings, God is glorified, AND I don’t have to continually wear the spirit of heaviness. Win – win!

We really do get to choose what we focus on and that can’t help but impact our experience in this life. It’s totally fine to express my feelings and to process, but I don’t have to let sorrow define my days. I’d rather choose joy and praise. What a great place to live, one day at a time.

This Sad Box has been a resource in my learning to trust God. I am mindful that He is the one who not only watches over me, but cares for those I love, here now, and those to come. His grace is there for them when their Sad Box fills. His hope is available when sorrow and suffering overwhelm them.

I see God providing for my kids, my husband, my mom, my family. Loving son-in-laws comfort my girls as they grieve. Kind friends are there for my husband and my boys. The prayers of those who love me bring them healing as well. My mom is joyful in her new marriage, timely given. My grandkids will have MANY who love and nourish them. God will provide, and God does provide to all who ask.

So, there will be moments when I look in my sad box. It is real and it matters, but for today, I LIVE in joy and gladness. Life is full and rich, with much to enjoy and with great blessing. I sorrow, but I “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” (1 Thess. 4:13) Instead, “I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, My soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness” (Isaiah 61:10)

The sad box has it’s place. It’s in God’s hands. He holds it, as it is too heavy for me. Some days we look in and refold the clothing there. And that’s okay, but God offers a better way to live, a box full of beautiful outfits, offered freely to me. Today I will be clothed in the salvation of sins forgiven. I’ll model the robe of righteousness only a Heavenly Father can give. I’ll slip on that garment of praise. I’ll will be joyful in my God.

 

Dear Grandbabies…

My dear little ones,

Tonight I am thinking of you. I try not to do that too much, because of the terrible joy and sadness that both arise when I imagine your little faces. When I see new little babies now, and happy children, it makes me think of you and the sweet gifts you will be to my own beloved children and to your grandpa.

Meeting your moms and dads for the first time, holding them in my arms, was on the list of most blessed days. Getting to be there to walk them through all the milestones of crawling, eating, walking, talking, learning…it was the best. I treasured those years. Hard work, but so worth it. The best things are usually hard work.

Reading to them, piled on my lap and snuggled next to me on the saggy old gold sofa was the thing I loved most. I saved a shelf of our favorites to read to you. I think grandpa will sit you on his knee and share them with you. Read lots. Learn much.

I chose to educate your parents at home. Here’s why. We got to spend our days together as a family, not just our afternoons and evenings. The input I selected was from healthy sources that I felt would grow them in wisdom and character. They were close and bonded, and I rejoice that they still love to be together and that they take care of each other. Friends are great, but they come and go. Family is with you for life. The Bible says that “God sets the lonely in families.” (Psalm 68:6) Always take care of your family.

 

I imagined you and pictured us having picnics at my big old house where we raised your parents. Being together, cooking together, eating together. The house has peely paint, unfinished floors, mismatched doors, but grandpa built it to keep us warm and safe. The important thing was to not have debt and to have space for everyone to grow up. Keep the main things of life, the main things. In this case, more important than perfection, was time to be with each other and experience many things together. Don’t make impressing people so important. Make relationships and having time to love people more important.

Give lots of hugs. I hug the dream of you in my heart. I pray for you now, even before you are born. My prayer for you is that you will enjoy great love and joy in your life. Love God and love people. Find Jesus early. He says, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness.” (John 8:12) I hope for you to walk in light, even when everything around you feels sad, dark, lonely, ugly. This is a choice God gives you. Take Him up on it, dearest little ones.

I am so proud (in the best of ways), of your precious parents. They work hard. They are kind. They are helpful. They are gifted in unique, special ways…..just like I know you will be. In a sometimes dark world, my hope for you is that you would “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.” (Philippians 2: 14-15) Your parents are shining. Listen to them. Learn from them. They will help you in this, they love you so. You are stars! Shine brightly and without shame.

There are many people who love you. God loves you. Your grandparents and parents love you. Aunties and Uncles love you. You have good friends who love you. Share that love with those who are not as fortunate as you. Many people are lonely. Be their friend. Be good to those who are a little different. They are strangers who need kindness. You have been blessed, and I hope you will be a blessing to others. God’s word says, “Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:10) So, love everybody!

May you have long, healthy, happy lives. When you are done, I hope you will look back and see how God used you to be a blessing on the earth. Then know that when you arrive in Heaven, I will be there waiting to meet you and hug you and rejoice over you. Don’t waste your life. Have adventures and take good risks. Do hard things. Choose to follow Jesus, even when others don’t. Do your best. Know when to change plans. Listen to wise counsel, especially your parents (they will tell you the truth, even when no one else will.) Pray often. Read God’s word. Repent when you mess up, both to God and to people. Laugh. Exercise and eat right. Go to bed at a decent time. Have lots of fun, too.

Even if I am not there with you now, know that I love you and I miss you. You’re the best.

With deep love,
Grandma April

Less Chocolate! What?

Chemo class teaches you lots of things. Might lose your hair, maybe not. Nausea? Hoping no. But as treatment progresses, my tastes will change. Sour and spicy may not still be favorite flavors as my mouth will be affected. And suddenly I am picturing a lovely carne asada taco at Don Pedros. What? The limes I won’t be able to enjoy and the pico de gallo that might be a little too picante.  But not yet! Food still tastes good, and I am grateful.

I have, however, noticed a change in my appetite. Activities that I used to really enjoy have far less appeal. I evaluate a bit more, looking at the time in my bank and asking myself, “What do you really want to do? What really is most delicious and nutritious to you today?”

There are many stories to soak in, crafts to create, videos to be viewed, bargains to be bought, clothes to be collected….you get the idea. But I find that for some reason, those pleasures are less appealing.

It’s the old, “what’s most important in life?” question that we all occasionally ponder, or maybe the “If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do with that time?” scenario. And surprise! There’s an answer. A Jewish leader came to Jesus and asked Him about this. (Matthew 22:36-40)

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Essentially — Love God. Love People.

Relationships are what we are here for, what we were made for, the satisfaction of building healthy loving connections with the people around us. Harvard has been studying this for 80 years. Close, warm, healthy connections not only aid in our joy, but prolong our life.

Link to article and TED talk:    https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

I know that when my kids are over, frying tacos together, there is life and laughter. If you took my blood pressure, I’m betting it would be down. My heart is happy. My hunger is satisfied. When I sit with a friend over a warm drink in a big mug, and we share our hearts and listen to one another, and then we pray for each other, it’s better than chocolate cheesecake (although, if that happens to be on the table, it’s a bonus!) Planning and effort are involved to assure that we are loving others and being loved, but so worth it!

Loving those that don’t know us or love us is also part of that healthy direction from Christ, even His famous admonition to love our enemy. It changes US! I hope we’ve all experienced the satisfaction of sharing kindness with strangers, or giving without chance of getting back, or speaking a tender word to an outsider. Not only does it warm their heart, it makes ours toasty, too.

But the greatest relationship? The most important goal in life? Loving our Creator, our Heavenly Father, the only one who can truly free us from our natural, selfish, flawed, sinful selves. Connecting with our Savior and getting to know Him, following His healthy road to internal character change, and not doing it alone, but in relationship with an all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing God. We build a relationship with God in much the same way we do with people. Time spent. Conversation. Listening (He wrote a whole book.) Learning. Discovering.

Just like any relationship, it starts with an introduction. Jesus was clear when He said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6) Evidently, God calls us to deal with the sin that keeps us from having a relationship with Him, so we can connect with Him.

The process is surprisingly simple. It’s not keeping a list of “rules,” although we know His guidance is for our good. It’s about asking Jesus to forgive our sin, so we are no longer separated from this all-important relationship. And then…..hanging out with Him, following, praying, talking to God about everything that’s on your heart. Sounds like a good coffee visit.

So….back to my appetite. I still enjoy coffee in the morning, but I’m satisfied with half a cup right now. A piece of chocolate, sometimes, but not a craving. (I had the best dark chocolate espresso chocolate yesterday! Thanks, Jen.) A show? Sometimes (it’s one way Rick and I spend time together.) I did stop in at Goodwill and found the best 100% cotton nightgown this week, but even my collecting-shopping-bargain-hunting self has a decreased appetite. I’m more into down-sizing and simplifying right now (trying not to leave a mess of “stuff” for Rick to deal with.)

Enjoy all that God has blessed you with, but let’s remind one another that keeping the focus on relationship is ultimately the greatest blessing. Today, go love God and love people. That’s what I’m hungry for. This morning, I will go have breakfast with one of the most beautiful friends in the whole world. We will laugh and very possibly cry. Breakfast will be good, but when I leave, it’s my heart that will be full.

Summer, 2018