Contemplations

by mtnorwaymommy

 

 

As I weigh out the possible loss of 40 more years of life, here is one of the things I contemplate on these suddenly quiet days. We all will one day be done here. We expect to get at least 70 years, preferably 80. I always planned on 90. How I would hate to miss out on the second half.

I have spent more than 50 years of my life as an incredibly healthy energetic person. Most of the time, I felt I could do anything. And really, I kinda did. This was lovely. It empowered me to raise five amazing children, my greatest blessing. The confidence God gives sent me off to work in a lovely profession teaching for our local hospital. I loved pouring out my life in the joy of investing in relationship building with many wonderful people. Projects were to be tackled and conquered. “I can do it!” was my cry. And I did.

Last March, things began to slow down and I wondered if menopause was just taking its toll. I tried all the usual good health things that have always worked in the past: rest, drink lots of water, go to the bathroom. (Really, that fixes most things.) But my health was decreasing, rather that improving. Finally, I went to our local family clinic. We tried a few things, but it became obvious that it was time for that oft-put-off colonoscopy.

“Unfortunately,” what the doctor found was colon cancer. We took a deep breath and told ourselves that this was a beatable scenario and the best cancer to have. Then we (I’m talking about me and my faithful husband when I say we) moved on to the CT scan. “Unfortunately” (the doctor keeps using that word), the cancer had wandered over to visit my liver.

Even without googling this, I knew this was now much more serious. I am in the process of making oncology appointments, but we all know that involves chemo. Meh. Nobody likes that. And the statistics are not near as lovely as they were a week ago.

So…..this is the processing season. I am surrounded by an incredible crowd of loving friends and family, all eager to pray, help, encourage, even in the middle of their own challenging lives. I thank them all. It means so much. I feel the prayers that are going up around the world and in church communities where I don’t even know people.

I’m not a crier, but this has been a time of tears. My greatest concern is the people I would leave behind. It is hard to see my children grieve. I had hoped to be a good grandma….and I’m still keeping all of the storybooks I have saved for grandchildren, as it’s not time to lose hope.

Telling my mom was hard. She’s always reminded us that there was to be “no crowding” ahead of her on the road to Heaven. I would just laugh. We never anticipate that we’ll be the one impacted early.

My husband. I tell him I had always planned to bury him. I think it would be hard on him to bury me. These things make me sad.

So this morning, as I began to write, the verse that came to me was from Psalm 90:12-17. Today, it is my prayer, whether my years be 54 or 94.

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us– yes, establish the work of our hands.”

As we contemplate our lives, may we grow in wisdom, seek a merciful God, be satisfied with His love, be joyful, and see Him establish our purpose. I pray this for me, and for each of you, today, and everyday. Amen.